


Free Fallin'

by blueslytherin



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Anxiety, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, This isn't a happy fic, he jumps out of a tree
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-22
Updated: 2017-06-22
Packaged: 2018-11-17 11:53:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,723
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11274879
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blueslytherin/pseuds/blueslytherin
Summary: Evan Hansen is done with everything. Done with school. Done with his anxiety. Done with being alone and friendless. He makes one last trip to the orchard.Set on the day of the whole letter fiasco





	Free Fallin'

**Author's Note:**

> Title taken from Free Fallin' by John Mayer
> 
> I got out of school on Friday so now I have more time to write.
> 
> If I get enough comments, I'll write a part 2

Although it had closed many years ago, the orchard was a beautiful place. It was huge, stretching for miles in every direction. The land was lush and green, overgrown and claimed by nature since few people came to take care of it. Flowers of every color dotted the landscape. It was filled with hundreds of trees; from fruit trees that gave off crisp, ruby red apples, to tiny baby trees that needed support from wooden dowels stuck firmly in the ground to stay up, to fully grown trees with leaves in all different shades of red and orange. Since people rarely came to the orchard, it gave off a serene and peaceful atmosphere. It was a heavenly place.

Too bad Evan Hansen was going to mar its beauty. 

He had walked through this orchard a thousand times. Whenever the world was too rough, whenever his anxiety spiraled out of control and threatened to consume him, he came to this spot. There he would stay, safely tucked away from the rest of the world. It was his happy place. 

That was why after a particularly rough day, he had come to the orchard. It was the first day of school, and Evan, as usual, was alone. 

He stood in front of a gigantic oak tree. This tree was the crown jewel of the orchard, and it was his favorite. Yet the whole thing felt uncomfortably familiar. Images of him climbing a tree just like this one, images of him lying on the ground in pain, moaning for help flashed through his brain. 

He shook his head, clearing the memories.  _ This time, you won’t fail.  _

Evan grabbed onto one of the thicker, low hanging branches and began to climb. It was hard; his cast scraped against against the rugged tree bark, making him wince. It might have been smarter to wait a week until he got it off, but Evan was getting desperate. 

To be honest, the thought of suicide excited him. More specifically, he wondered how everyone would react when they found out that Evan Hansen had finally exited this world. Who would find his broken body? (probably a gardener, now that he thought more about it) How would this impact everyone around him?

Maybe they’d do a memorial assembly for him at school next week. He could picture it. The school president, Alana Beck, would make a speech calling him her closest acquaintance, and talk about how anyone devastated and grieving could come to her for help. The principal, Mr. Howard, would definitely say a few words, perhaps have a moment of silence for the dead kid. Evan doubted that anyone would comply; doubted that anyone would actually care. 

How would Jared Kleinman react? Evan had been pondering this for a while. Jared was his ‘family friend’ and ‘only talked to him for his car insurance.’ The thing was, Jared dug his true feelings so deep that it was hard to uncover them. Evan knew that he was lying, knew that neither of them had any other real friends. He would never admit that, though. Why? Was being Evan’s friend embarrassing? Evan sighed. Jared would only forget about him after his death. He’d quickly move on, and use his newfound popularity from being the dead kid’s friend to gain sympathy from all the hot guys. 

There was a burning pain in Evan’s chest, and he stopped climbing to catch his breath. Out by the very edge of the orchard, there was a house. It looked like it came straight out of a magazine, eggshell white and huge. The yard was pristine and neatly trimmed. The only thing that seemed out of place was a tree right by one of the windows, perfect for a teenager trying to sneak out. Evan’s heart dropped. He knew this house. This was where Connor and Zoe Murphy lived. He was all too familiar with both of them. 

As Evan began climbing again, his mind began to wander. What would Zoe Murphy, his biggest crush, do when she heard about his death? Would she come to his funeral? Would she cry over him? Would she care that a fellow student of hers was gone? Would she even know who he was? They’d had a couple of conversations before; she’d even talked to him this morning. Yet the more he thought about it, Evan believed that he would just be a faded star in the universe of Zoe Murphy. 

_ Her brother _ , he thought,  _ certainly wouldn’t mourn your death.  _ Connor Murphy was a mystery wrapped in callousness and rage. Even though he liked Zoe, Evan had always harbored a small crush on Connor. How could he not? Connor was hot as hell, with dark eyes, shoulder length silky hair, and a permanent scowl that was kind of cute. If things were different, Connor would be a badass and have girls and guys hanging off of him. However, he often flew into fits of rage and bouts of temporary insanity; he was always either high or severely medicated because of it. Evan had seen the little thin white lines that ran up and down Connor’s arms. They mirrored his own. 

The two had always had a strange relationship. They were both loners, but had never really talked. Today, though, things were different. First, Connor had shoved Evan, who had landed on his bad arm. Then, the stoner had stared at him all throughout math, as if daring Evan to say something to him. What did he want? Then Connor had come into the computer lab while Evan was printing out an assignment from his therapist. He tried to strike up a conversation before losing control, taking Evan’s letter, and running off with it. That was the moment where Evan finally gave up.

He pulled himself up onto one more branch and stopped. This would work. Evan held onto the highest branch, leaning out so that he could take in the view. It was even prettier than from the ground. He could see the sunset, its streaks of red, orange, and pink staining the sky and wonderfully contrasting with the incoming dark blue sky. 

Evan patted his pocket, just to make sure his note was still there. It wasn’t much, just a couple of lines apologizing to the people he loved and thanking them for putting up with him for this long.

He gazed out at the orchard.  _ All things considered, this isn’t really a bad place to die.  _

Suddenly, his phone rang, and Evan jumped, scrambling to simultaneously grab it and maintain his hold on the branch. “Hello?” 

“Hi, honey.” the voice of his mother, Heidi Hansen, greeted him. “How are you? Doing okay?”

Evan glanced down, instantly regretting it. He hadn’t realized how high up he was, and he was starting to get dizzy. The impact of what he was going to do finally hit it.  _ Was this really a good idea? _

“Yeah, Mom. I’m doing - I’m doing fine.” He was stuttering again. It was his tell. Hopefully his mother wouldn’t pick up on it. 

“That’s nice.” Heidi said. Evan could tell that she was trying to hold a conversation with him, to spend a little more time with her son. “How was school?”

They spent a few more minutes chatting about mundane things, with Evan giving carefully worded answers to her questions to avoid arousing suspicion. 

“Look, honey.” Heidi finally said. “I have some bad news. One of the nurses at the hospital got sick, and the boss assigned me to cover her shift. I’m really sorry.” She sighed. “At least they’re paying me double for this.” 

_ Maybe she’s lying to you. Maybe she doesn’t want to come home and she’s just throwing herself into her work so that she has an excuse not to. Does this surprise you? You know she doesn’t want you; you know that she can’t stand having a broken child. Isn’t that why your father abandoned you? I promise you, you’re doing the right thing. The world will be better off without you in it.  _

Evan worked up a smile. “It’s fine, Mom.”

“I left some money for pizza on the counter…” she trailed off, probably thinking about his crippling anxiety making it impossible to order takeout. “Actually, there’s a frozen pizza in the freezer. We don’t want you going hungry like you did last week.” 

“Thanks.”  _ Worthless. All you are to her is an inconvience.  _

“Evan,” his mother said, her tone changing from light and bubbly to much more serious. “Are you okay? You seem so sad these days, and you spend all your time holed up in your bedroom on your computer. I’m really starting to worry about you.”

This time he answered right away, perhaps a little too quickly. “Of c- Of course. I’m just a little stressed about school starting up again and stuff.”

Surprisingly, Heidi kept pressing. “Are you sure? If you need help, we can talk tomorrow. I’ll get off work early. Just say the word. I’ll do anything I can to help you.”

His palms grew slick, and it became harder to hold onto his phone. “I’m positive, Mom. Everything’s okay.” 

His mother was a good person stuck in horrible conditions. Maybe after his death, she’d be able to escape them. 

“Mom,” Evan said, desperate to hear her voice one last time. “I love you.” 

Heidi went silent for a moment. Then, “I love you too, Evan. Let me know if there’s anything I can do to help you. I’m only a call away.”

With those words, she hung up, leaving Evan alone with his thoughts. 

_ It’s a shame, really. _ Heidi would be the person he missed most. She worked too much, sold her soul for her son, and he couldn’t ever repay her for it. He knew she loved him. However, he made things difficult for her. Without him in the way, Heidi would finally be able to live the life she always dreamed of.  _ Your death will finally bring her peace.  _

Evan took one final look around. In the distance, he could see a family - a young couple with their baby boy. Their laughter echoed around him, bringing to him an aching sadness. He closed his eyes, breathed in the scent of the crisp evening air. 

And let go of the branch.

_ You’re finally free. _

**Author's Note:**

> tumblr - @shadynightkingdom  
> instagram - @golden_phoenix_queen


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